COVID Note: To Those I Lost

On a personal note this COVD season like for many others has been rough at times. There are happy times spent with my kids, husband, other family but also pain mostly associated with death. The last time I blogged I had lost one friend and now it is 4. These are not acquaintances or just people I knew. These are people I cared for, who were a part of my life and who I never had a chance to grieve because of course we cannot have funerals. I realize now why they have funerals: because they give you closure, a chance to grieve and lay to rest. While I am incredibly grateful that my family are all safe and sound ( so far) I feel pain for the families of those who lost loved ones and sadness that I will not see them again. Oh yes, I believe in heaven but while on earth, survivor’s guilt, empathy for friends and missing loved ones can be real. My family thinks I take this too seriously but that’s the way I am wired. I want to dedicate my post on Imperfect foods to the friends I lost this season because like me they were perfectly imperfect beings who changed the world in their little way in a way I hope to impact my little circle too. First there was Jeanne Riley( April 3) my children’s choir director and friend. Jeanne had a gift for making little children sing and she headed the Cherub choir for many years encouraging little kids between the ages of 3 – 7 to sing. Both my kids sing wonderfully in public  and I think I owe a lot of it to this lovely lady who was their first music director. Jeanne had an infectious quality and was always the most enthusiastic person when we had game nights at Women’s retreats. Many evenings spent in peals of laughter as we played games at the retreat are moments I will remember and miss. RIP sweet soul. Next it was  Carolyn Morningstar ( May 8) an amazing lady who took in her brother’s children and brought them up as her own. We bonded over my hummus recipe where I had mistakenly penned down 6 ‘pods’ of garlic instead of ‘cloves’ and after she had faithfully used that amount and found the recipe to be too garlicky, we laughed and of course I changed the recipe but we quickly became foodie buddies. When she went into the hospital I prayed so hard that she would make it for the sake of the two teens ( both children I am very fond of) but she never did and when her brother passed away in the next few weeks leaving the 2 children orphaned my heart broke. Then there was Trevor Blake ( May 25) this gracious lovely lady from my book club who braced the death of her husband 2 years back and spent her extra ‘non work time’ with her daughter, always cheerful while being a single parent with two roles. I have had many a conversation with her on how to balance work life and quality time with kids and when she left the earth leaving behind a strong, brave 18-year-old parent-less my heart broke a little more. Then there was Isaac Monogram ( June 12)a childhood friend who spent his life in service for others. Issac was a late child born to his parents in their old age and they gave him the world, materially and otherwise. He and his wife Tara adopted 2 children, found it so fulfilling that a few years later they opened a home for abandoned girls. In some parts of rural India, the girl child is still very disadvantaged, and many homes do not want them. Isaac and his wife created a home for these girls and brought them up, sent them to school, helping them choose careers and loving them when their parents did not. I  think this last one hit me the most because the last conversation I had with Isaac was about the covd. I had put out this video on an easy to use hand sanitizing spray and Isaac asked me if he could use it for the girls. We spent some time talking about handwashing, general safety and I remember the last thing he told me was “ Sunithi, I just want to keep these girls safe from covd”! Then he got covid, went to hospital and never recovered. My faith at this point was very fragile, and I was asking God why? These were good people who made a difference in people’s lives and they had children depending on them. Why did their lives have to get shortened ? I know there are countless families asking the same question. While I have not had those closest to me die like some people have, the loss of my friends was hard. I grieved in the only way that helped me. I went off all SM for more than 2 months. In doing so I found ways to heal from within. I worked with the DC task force creating protocols to make it safe for staff to re-enter Day care centers and I started a covd garden. If someone had told me how cathartic it would be to dig up dirt, plant seedlings, fertilize them, care for them, and watch them grow I would have taken to gardening a long time back. But maybe I would not have had the time. These Covd times are strange times and even now when life around me gets intense or crazy ( by life I mean my real life, not my online one) I shut off all SM for days even and do my self-healing and it helps. I know that sometimes I miss stuff, occasions when am on ‘retreat mode’ but stuff will be there and people who know me know that even if I do not pop in on SM for events etc. I care very much in my heart which is what matters. Covd has brought out facets of me I never knew I had. Pain mingled with tears, strength, learning to trust even when stuff does not make sense and a deep sense of appreciation for what I have. Like many of us, Covd has changed me in a way I will never be the same and I have grown in ways I needed. There is still some stuff am dealing with in my personal life, but it will be ok. Good days, great days, not so good days all needed for growth. So anyways long rant but much needed since I did want to write about my friends and lay them to rest in my mind. Mental health is important and from someone who at times of late has had some struggle, take care of yourselves. Do what helps you or heals you during these crazy times. Whether it is giving, starting new projects, spending time with loved ones, alone time, away from SM time do it and be kind to all and at peace with your soul. You never know what someone is going through, and a kind word can help a stranger. Hug those around you: Your spouse and kids who put up with you and your craziness 24-7. Life is not something we can take for granted. Not in these times. Thank you for stopping by and reading my somewhat emotional rant. Sharing some pictures of my Covd garden( my healing space) taken over time! Yesterday we had salad with every ingredient except the lettuce from my garden!  Love and hugs