Love, Loss, Pain, Gain And Time Heals

Yesterday was my oldest child’s 20th birthday! Went out with my husband, daughters, sister and brother in law and celebrated her life. Like all children she a precious child to us and to my sister and family.  Every year when they can, they always come and celebrate with us and her actual birthday is usually a private family celebration. Parties are usually on another day. 20 yrs. back one of the most bizarre events happened in our family. Now, looking back I can see how time heals and I am grateful. Going back 20 yrs : My sister and I were pregnant at the same time. She with her second child and me with my first. My sister and I are very close and were quite excited to be expecting at the same time. Our due dates were within a month of each other. My mom who was in the Middle East at that time was going to be with my sister for a month and then come to me to help with new baby etc. My sister gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. They named him Karun and we all rejoiced. Her baby was a week early and she had to stay in hospital for a week following a c section coz in India they keep you in hospitals longer. I spoke with her and was so happy for her. Then on the 14 of July my own first child was born 2 weeks early. With all the confusion with the babies coming early my mother was still in the Middle East. My husband called my mom and gave her the news. My mother later told us what an unforgettable day that was. You see 2 hrs. before my husband called her my BIL had called her with the sad news that my sister’s baby had passed away. SIDS they said. My mom was shocked and didn’t tell my husband when he called. As a mother to hear that one of her daughters lost a child & one of them gave birth to another at about the same time was hard to comprehend. A few days later they told my husband but told him not to tell me. They said that knowing how close my sister and I were, the shock would stop my milk flow etc. etc. I kept asking to talk to my sister but there were always excuses that she was busy etc. Then my mom came to be with me and even then I didn’t know. I just thought it was so strange that my sister was always busy but now that she had two children I accepted it. Plus living in two different countries sometime connecting via telephone can be difficult. Then I noticed odd happenings. Like my husband and mom talking together and shutting up when I came to the room. My husband reading up on SIDS and telling me some precautions etc. One day I just got irritated and told my husband. “Why do you keep being paranoid about SIDS when we have a new baby?” Nothing has happened in our family like this and nothing will. He looked at my mom and there was this weird silence. Then as if overcome with emotion he left the room. My mom then broke the news to me that my sister had lost her child. I was shocked, devastated and angry. Angry at my family for not telling me for a whole month, angry at God for letting this happen to the gentlest person in world and angry that I couldn’t be with her at this time to comfort her. I went into shock and sure enough my milk stopped. I felt like why had God given me a daughter and had taken away my dear sisters child on the same day? What cruel hand of fate was that?  I started to feel guilt that my baby was living while hers was not. I felt like maybe God should have taken my child instead but not my sister’s child .I couldn’t grapple with it. I felt fear in the night and my oldest never slept in her room that year. She slept in a bassinet near our bed until she turned one. I would wake in the night several times and put my hand on her chest to make sure she was breathing. Friends and family told me lightning never strikes twice in the same place but until my baby turned 1(the age when SIDS usually stops) I was paranoid. I went through postpartum depression and hurt for my sister while feeling tremendous guilt. I went from a joyful happy mom to a guilt ridden confused mom. I found it hard to enjoy my child. My oldest could not take formula and that made it difficult coz my milk flow went from surplus to none. I started to take some natural supplements and that helped my milk supply. But the sadness was there and I didn’t know what to do about it.  Then one day a letter arrived from my sister. A letter that to this day that only I have read. She was honest to the core. In it she told me all the the birth of her baby boy.  The joy she felt when she held him and she wrote to me the raw pain that she felt when he was taken away. How she pleaded with God to revive him. Then she told me how after a quick funeral on the same day he passed away they were all in my aunt’s home and my cousin burst in with the news that I had given birth to a baby girl. She told me she felt like God had given her another child and that my daughter being born on that same day gave her hope and that a strange joy filled her heart. I have always known my sister was a special human being but I never felt it more now than ever. I know my sister well enough to know she would never lie to me. She also told me that she will never regret having been mom of her second child for even a few days and that he was now an angel and that I should accept that too. It was her letter and her words that helped me heal. Helped me get my joy back. A joy I lost.  My sister in the midst of her pain helped me heal and I love her even more for it.  Till today my daughter has a special place in her heart and my daughter loves her like another mom. My nephew and my oldest are very close. They share with each other things that they don’t with others. They are like siblings and best friends. My nephew is also like the son I never had. On our last trip to India my oldest asked to visit her cousin brother’s grave and when we went there she wanted some quiet time with him. It was poignant and beautiful at the same time. One day one of our children became an angel while another breathed life on Earth. I still don’t understand why it had to happen that way but now 20 yrs. later I see my daughter and my sister laughing together and I know that time does heal. We don’t understand why things happen but we trust and let go of hurt, fear, pain and one day it will all be ok. Nothing that happens to us is a mistake. Time goes by and time heals. I have always wanted to write my story and somehow felt like doing it today. One day I will let my daughters read this and hope that they will be close sisters like me and my sister are. If I have been over emotional in this post please excuse me. It’s always a joy filled emotional day for me. Also a day to be happy thankful and grateful for all we have. Love to anyone who reads and yes time heals.